How to kill yourself

Disclaimer:The following article is intended for fun only do not try the below ways (try to be innovative)... and the views expressed in the article are not mine.these are collected from various other sites...

Funniest ways to die..

1.The Ultima

Arguably one of the coolest ways to off yourself.

1.Obtain a skill saw.

2.Plug in.

3.Using duct tape, tape open the blade guard and tape down the triggers. This will turn on the saw.

4.Slowly move the saw into your neck.

5.Snuff it.

Bonus points for doing it in a public area. A very large bonus if you manage to decapitate yourself. Children should always be involved in this method.

2.The Flying Taliban

1.Get a bomb belt with height detecting detonator.

2.Find a high public building in your city.

3.Get on the roof of it.

4.Set your bomb to detonate at about 30-50 meters above the ground level.

5.Wait for a crowd to gather.

Jump. You will provide a rain of intestines and blood for the crowd, providing joy to all. Bonus for falling in Superman fashion and/or extra bonus for having an airplane transformer suit.

If the police somehow get you before you manage to jump, you will still blow up when they escort you downstairs and leave a mess of bloody remains on the staircase or elevator. This is a win-win technique.

3.The Standing

By far one of the more ballsy methods to off your self by, so simple in theory yet so hard to do correctly. To perform the perfect standing suicide you stand on any flat surface, jump, rotate 180 degree in mid-air, thus landing on the top of the head breaking the neck. This method can be used at anytime anywhere. Boss fires your ass , standing suicide. Wife leaves your for your best friend, standing suicide. Ipod goes missing, you get the point. Along with the obvious benefits, the standing suicide also gives a big  to anybody who has jumped from a 30ft building and failed to die.

However, this method is does not carry a 100% success rate. 5% at best. Results may differ depending on weight and height.

4.The Note

It is very important to write a good suicide note full of lulz. Otherwise, nobody will know why you decided to off yourself -- why deprive them of that? Make it so that it looks like you did nothing wrong and that the world is a more messed-up place than yourself. For great examples on how to write a note, watch the movie "Heathers". 

When writing yer suicide note, remember to:

1.Use quality pen and paper

Make sure your writing materials are of good quality. It can be very frustrating when you want to kill yourself and your pen doesn't work. Friends and family will appreciate good penmanship. Don't forget you're nothing special and everyone knows it but wouldn't they be surprised to find that you can write neatly.

2.Be innovative!

Try and reach as many people with your suicide note as you can, drawing as much attention to yourself as possible. If you want to be really hardcore, there are a multitude of ways in which you can take advantage of the Internet for maximum exposure. A great example of this is The great emo suicide meme of 2005. Another good way would be to take a page out of Pelle "Dead" Olin's book and say (this only works if you're gonna have a bloody death) "Please excuse all the blood."

3.Chec yor spelinge

Nothing says 'I'm a retarded emofag' more than if you misspell your own name. You want to make your family and friends cry, not laugh! A good solution would be to use MS Word for your note. That way you can use spellcheck, and also ask that annoying bastard, the MS Word paper clip, for help on writing it and/or your act of self pawn.

5.The Last Revenge

Using a catapult, cannon or trebuchet, launch yourself through the window of your most hated enemy (or E-nemy), preferably during some kind of family gathering. You should strike the glass with sufficient force to shred your body. You will leave a bloody trail behind as you sail through the room, before bursting spectacularly when you hit the wall at the back of the room, splattering everything in blood and gore, and leaving a giant blood and gore stain on the area of impact. Try drinking a lot of blue food dye just beforehand for that authentic "Jackson Pollock" effect, where all the blood and gore will be mixed with blue. Do not wear a helmet, jacket, or any thick clothing. For maximum effect, just wear a T-shirt and some thin shorts. You can try going naked, but bloody, shredded bits of clothes only add to the effect.

6.Paracetamol

* Dosage: 15+ grammes, 20+ is better  

* Time: 10 hours fatal damage, but 2 weeks to actually die

* Available: easy to get hold of

* Notes: Once 10-12 hours is up,

* Certainty: fairly reliable

you've had it, but you still live for a week or two after that. Probably better to wait 15 hours just to make sure. Horrible side effects during this time (some ofntra-abdominal bleeding, aspiration pneumonia, haemophilia). Toowhich are: acute toxic hepatitis, renal failure, cerebral oedema,ismall dose causes severe liver damage. Accidental deaths are very common. There are few if any side effects before the damagebecomes fatal; occasionally vomitting and nausea.

Your enemy will have to pay huge amounts to clean and fix up the house, only to sell it on at a huge loss because nobody will want to buy it after such a horrific event. As a bonus, the last thing you see will be the unsuspecting faces of your victims. Bonus points if you traumatize achild. In addition, your little stunt will be talked about on the news for weeks, people all over the world will know your name, and the bloody aftermath will be filmed and will become hits on the Internet.

7.PENCILS UP YOUR NOSE, BANG DOWN ONTO TABLE (urban legend?)

* Time: Seconds or never

* Available: All you need is a couple of sharp pencils and a table

* Certainty: Very uncertain hink, since the pencils would go into your frontal lobes, which

* Notes: This is a myth, It are basically optional. This is theif you want a DIY frontal- lobotomy rather than death!  

* Call legendary "exam suicide".

8.BEING EATEN ALIVE

* Time: depends, but probably a couple of minutes

* Available: zoo, or live in Africa/wherever not hungry and don't finish? basically, find one 

* Certainty: not brilliant.. what if they're or more hungry carnivores... tigers are the big cats.. nice. Also, sharks, lions, any of ....